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The Nexus of Nastiness

Mar 13

G’day all!  “Iron Mike” has yet to hear from the Commissioner’s people with regard to the promotion of the huge charity event, “The Chain Match of the Century” (“Brutal Bob” Paulson vs. “Iron Mike” Webster).  I’m somewhat disappointed as I have engaged the services of the well known Master of Ceremonies and notorious NWF referee, Marty Gold.  He is not only adept at keeping order in the “square circle” but also is a wizard at the business of promoting.  He is in negotiations to secure a well known sport venue that lays approximately “smack dab” in the middle of the country; to allow easy access for the entire nation (we have heard via the “grapplin’ grapevine” that this match has become regarded one of the sport highlights of 2015).  I wonder if “himself” is feeling threatened——-oh shit!!!  There’s that word again.  Is my usual bravado e.g. “…….this match will go to the ‘death’, and I assure you, I will be the only man left standing at the finish”, to be interpreted as a “threat” to a public figure, or just a tactic used to sell tickets?  Should I expect the “boys” to be knocking on my door?”  Should I get the coffee ready?  The BC Ferries crew has told me they haven’t yet “picked off” any police persons trying to look like tourists.

Oh well, enough of that.  I’m in a somewhat playful mood.  Wanna’ have some fun?  Here’s a piece based upon an article that appeared in the Denman Island Monthly Bugle some time ago.   I wish I could cite the author and the issue but I am not able (remember that whole memory thing?).  The names that appear in my little spoof are fictitious and meant to represent no specific individual or organization.  Buckle up, here we go!

A group of Senior Executives sitting atop a national law enforcement agency expressed, at a news conference, bitterness after being left out of the recently formed, “Nexus of Nastiness”; D\C Wenchel, D\C Callous and D\C Havana announced to the media that they had formed the “Nexus of Just as Nasty”, and they asserted that their group was “way nastier than those sissies that presently occupy the three seats in the “Nexus Of Nastiness”.

The “Nexus of Nastiness” responded immediately, dismissing the new group as having, (just for starters), a really stupid name.  “Are you f—cking  kidding me?  Just as nasty as us?  In their dreams,” blasted back Commissionaire Pilsner , the present leader of the “Nexus of Nastiness”.  “The entire membership, and much of the country, knows we are the consummate pro’s at screwing people ……we’re the best nasties ever…….we are wicked nasty”!

Spokespersons for the “Nexus of Just as Nasty” refused to admit that they were miffed at being excluded. But one of them, D\C Boobeau admitted that they had asked if they could join the “Nexus of Nastiness” and were told it was full.  D\C Callous muttered something about the Commissionaire and his resemblance to an anal pore.  “A Nexus can only have a limited number of members”, said D\C Strongarm, a charter member of the reigning group.  “I didn’t just make this shit up!  I mean, how many Godfathers sit on top of the Cosa Nostra, at one time?  Have you seen the ‘mob’s’ secret handshake?  Ours is way better than theirs…..wicked cool, man!”

Following the news conference, reaction to the “Nexus of Nastiness” regarding their comments was swift.  Public Safety Minister Gooney handed over more powers to the Nexus.  Other law enforcement agencies across the country reacted swiftly; for example, the Golf City police were given the power to break up crowds of three or more people, for no good reason!   Picture this, Allah (Peace be upon him) the Christ, the Buddha, and Moses are standing on the corner enjoying a heated theological discussion.  Here come The Golf Munies ………well, you get the idea?

Meanwhile, back at NHQ, several senior police executives moved, faster than they had in years, to secure spots for themselves.  A\C  Lepidoptera and D\C  Emmar announced that they had formed the “Nexus of Kind of Nasty”; this move prompted C.A.E. DeWatt to throw in with S.G.C. Elsquared and C.S.P. Remar to create “The Nexus of Occasionally Nasty”.  In somewhat of a panic, the Occupational Health Sections from across the country established the “Nexus of Not so Much Nasty, as Just Generally Disagreeable”.

With the criteria expanded as it had been, and all the cool names being taken, the Division Staff Relations Representatives made an appeal to be called, “The Nexus of Member Reps Who Aren’t the Worst, but Sure as Shit Won’t be Asked to Represent the Membership Under the New System!”.  Almost immediately the forgotten lesser commissioned officers, who actually do “some” work, from across the country joined together to form “The Nexus of Nastiness That is Actually Quite Nice, But Secretly Have Murderous Thoughts Regarding the Senior Executive in NHQ and all Division HQ’s”.

This flurry prompted the psychologists from the Divisions and NHQ to forge “The Nexus of Nastiness That be Allowed to Request That Sheep Wear Lipstick”.  “It’s not really a threat”, explained Dr. Beastia, from NHQ, “…it’s just something we enjoy”.

Meanwhile back at NHQ, Commissionaire Pilsner was apoplectic over being made the brunt of so many jokes and ridicule; so, uncharacteristically he denied an application for a Nexus.  He squashed the application for “The Nexus Who Support Dr. Webster for the Next Commissioner”, accusing Webster of forging names on the application.  The names in question were “Iron Mike” Webster, Mike “The Bear” Webster, and “Mickey” Webster.  Dr. Webster was not available for comment, as he was in training for an upcoming “chain match”.

On a related note, the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary insisted that it wasn’t interested in joining any “bloody Nexus”; however, it seemed common knowledge among other police agencies, that the reason was, no one had asked them.

So there it is!  Remember my disclaimer.  The names and places have been changed in this little piece to protect the guilty.  My training is going well.  Earlier last week I pulled a 1972 VW about an eighth of a mile up a 30 degree hill.  So Commissionaire what are you up to?  You appeared a little “shaky” in front of the Senate committee.  To someone trained in “behavioural indicators” of deception you may have appeared somewhat untruthful?  Anyhoo, gimme’ a call.  We gotta’ get this match together.  Marty Gold reports much interest and a great opportunity for you to pull off the PR coup of the Century with this donation to Charity angle.  I think you could use it, no?

“First to seek agreement, then to destroy”.

Yours in grapplin’

“Iron Mike”

P.S.   I apologize if I offended any Newfoundlander with this piece.  Truth be told I love you all, especially you “Sailor Danny White”.  I’ve never forgotten you.  R.I.P.



From → Other

  1. Scottish Soldier permalink

    Iron Mike,

    This has to be one of the best pieces of humor that I have read in a long, long time.

    I am having great difficulty picking myself up off of the floor! Those who know me know well of what I speak. My sides are so sore from laughing too hard.

    I am really disappointed that a response has not been heard from Commissionaire Pilsner. Ticket Master is holding my money awaiting confirmation of this “Chain Match to the Death”.

    Aye, I hear the pipes a’callin’. I must run, I mean hop, back to the Highlands.

    Yours aye,
    Scottish Soldier

  2. This would make a very interesting Movie; It could win the Screen Play of the Year based on a true story of fictional characters. Any chance you could squeeze the wrestling match somewhere in there and make it look like the good guys are winning for a change? Or are we in the millennium where you can’t say anything negative and the bad guys must win. Today things are moving so fast you can’t keep up.

  3. Are the RCMP now operating in Fear?
    Golbal 16×9; Under Fire: Were Moncton RCMP officers ready for the call?

    Could one conclude that the RCMP train their dogs to think better than their members.


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